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To the editor:
I had a dream the other night. I dreamt I was president and my accomplishments of the last four years have left the country with high unemployment, a shrinking middle class, 47 million people on food stamps, $16 trillion in debt and loss of stature throughout the world. I just took a beat-down from my opponent in a debate, and it looks like I may lose my election. What to do?
I can fall back on my signature accomplishments—the takeover of 17 percent of the nation’s economy with my government healthcare plan and eliminating an old enemy who was sequestered in his hideout in Pakistan watching porn all day.
That may not be enough, though. Thankfully, my friends in the media have downplayed that unfortunate thing with our Libyan ambassador.
I know! I’ll have my Justice Department challenge all those voter ID laws. Then I’ll have the Defense Department screw up the absentee ballots for the military. Oh yeah, I’ll waive the Warren Act for defense contractors so I won’t tick off those employees who will lose their jobs because of sequestration.
Is that enough to swing the vote? Maybe an October surprise. I could cut a deal with Iran to stop enrichment just long enough to get re-elected. In exchange, I’ll offer reducing sanctions. Oh, and I’ll have the Labor Department fudge September jobs numbers.
Then I woke up and realized it was just a bad dream—or is it?