If I knew what to write, I would have written it, right?

Apparently, there are 91,300,000 professional, expert writers among us. At least that’s what Google says.

I’ve been stuck in a rut lately when it comes to column writing. I’ll go ahead and blame it on the Seasonal Affective Disorder I wrote about last week.

Taking my own advice, I bought a new lamp. I’m sure it wasn’t the kind experts say to use for light therapy, but it was on sale, very modern looking, and in a way, helped me through retail therapy.

Close enough.

So when I turned to my trusty pal Google to see what I could write about for this week, more than 91 million hits came back to me. The first Web site contained a list of 23 sayings to write on a T-shirt. Most were witty, sarcastic phrases most likely to be worn by someone in their teens.

Hardly any were funny to me, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who appreciates this site.

One hit took me to a blog entry titled “Things to write on check memos,” which really made me laugh and wonder if people actually did things like this.

One of my college friends used to sign his checks under the names of all his friends. Whoever he was with was usually the name that ended up on the check. Then his bank caught on and made a personal phone call to his parents.

After remembering that, I believe the blog author wrote from personal experience.

Many writers say to write about current events or local happenings.

The recent Republican debate and upcoming Democratic debate are most relevant hot topics I can think of, but to tell you the truth, I don’t follow them as closely as I should.

I would not be able to write with enough facts and background information.

I could write about the Indianapolis Colts’ “shocking loss” to the San Diego Chargers. Even though my family and I are from Indiana, we are Chicago Bears fans, not Colts fans.

Personally, I’m still recovering from last season’s Super Bowl loss.

To write about the Colts’ loss of such an important game would give me too much pleasure and bring out too much bitterness and spite. So we won’t go there.

One negative Nancy even took the time to write 25 things you should never write about. How to kill someone, your personal credit information and where you keep your drug stash were among some of the “don’ts.”

Thanks for the advice, never would have thought of that.

The majority of the hits took me to sites where authors wrote about things they want to write about in the future.

While I agree it’s great to have a running list of ideas, this really confused me and didn’t help at all. If I knew what I wanted to write, I would write it, not write about it.

Right?

KATHRYN JACEWICZ is a staff writer at the Beacon. Reach her at 754-6890 or kjacewicz@brunswickbeacon.com.